EDIT: It has come to my attention that Jay Sanin published an inaccurate version of this list last year. For the proper rankings, see below.

Mario Kart 64, one of the best video games of all time, came out 6430 days ago. In honor of this anniversary, I give you the definitive ranking of the characters therein.

You are free to disagree with the rankings, but you will be wrong.

9. Toad

Sure, he's reasonably quick. But Toad is so small and light as to be comically easy to knock off course. And what the hell even is he? A mushroom? A child? Toad is the worst.

8. Ebola virus

Not as bad as Toad.

7. Wario

For all of his evil cackling, Wario has terrible handling. Playing as Wario is like trying to steer the Titanic with an outboard motor.

6. Mario

He may get top billing, but Mario is a sub-par character. Perfectly average in every facet, he brings nothing special to the table. He peaked in Super Mario World.

5. Peach

Peach could be ranked closer to the bottom, but that might seem sexist. She's not very good.

4. Luigi

He may be the less popular brother in the franchise, but Luigi is the kart driver that Mario wishes he could be. Faster and with better handling, Luigi is solid. Not great, but he's solid.

3. Bowser

Anyone with a brain knows that the heavier characters are the best in Mario Kart 64, and Bowser is the tank of the bunch. But his handling leaves a bit to be desired, and he loses additional points because his course, Bowser's Castle, is absolutely terrible.

2. Yoshi

Yoshi is a great character. He's fast and agile, and he makes that weird awesome noise whenever he hits you with a shell. But like Bowser, Yoshi loses some points because his home course is a pain in the ass.

1. Donkey Kong

DK wins, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. First of all, his celebration sound is by far the best. For being one of the heaviest characters, he has solid acceleration, good top speed, and great handling. His size also allows you to knock lesser drivers around with ease. DK wins and fuck you if you disagree.